It’s hard to love a body that’s physically uncomfortable to exist in. A body that often feels like it’s failing you.
Lately I’ve been putting together the puzzle pieces more and more. Stringing together all of the little quirks, pains and problems that I’ve just been left to deal with, to accept. The amount of times I’ve found myself saying “how the F did nobody notice this and say something” is too many to count, especially as a kid who grew up in heavily entwined with the medical system. Between my brain and my body so many things just feel like they're clicking into place.
The urge to rebel against my body is intense at times, but in reality so much of my frustration is better placed on a disorganized system that missed a million red flags leaving me without necessary support. Yes it’s the same system that’s saved my life repeatedly, and what I’m maybe realizing in an even more intimate way, isn’t well equipped to look at a body beyond its pieced dysfunction. One beyond an urgent fix. It’s not interested in wellness because that’s not what it was designed for, and unfortunately that leaves those of us with chronic conditions left to fend for ourselves to find the answers or simply deal with it.
This isn’t to say that the things that I’ve been piecing together will magically restore or change my body. But my hope is that they can give me knowledge and tools to support it, to better understand it. Because what I know is true both for me and for you who’s reading this, is that even the worst aches and pains that make you feel like your body is against you are actually the very signs that your body is fighting for you. Reconditioning, patterning and highlighting the things you need in order to keep you safe and balanced. This doesn’t make it any easier for those of us that deal with chronic pain or conditions, but for me I do find it offers me a little more softness. A reminder that my body and I are a team and ultimately it is my home. And even in the face of pain it can still access pleasure and that abundance of pleasure and dance of expression keeps me coming back to my body over and over again even in the madness and frustration of it all. This body is my body and I’ll do whatever it takes to remember that an enjoy that even in the obstacles that come with this body of mine.
A glimpse into a recent self-shoot in my tiny bathroom on a whim when I was feeling particularly at odds with my body and life and needing to step back into a place of curiosity, openness and play. Needing to explore the multitudes of who I am and how I can occupy space, which for me is the driving force behind most of my self-shoots. A 360 check in of my insides translating to my outsides helping me reground and gain perspective in really healing ways. Like yes I can be in pain, and frustrated with my body & brain and those are also just bits and pieces of my story and experience.